FEAR IS NOT THE ANSWER

TALKING TO YOUR CHILDREN ABOUT SAFETY

By Robert Stuber, Founder of Kid Watch and author of "Missing"

Over the years I have participated in more television, radio, and newspaper interviews than I can count. At some point during each interview, an old and familiar question recurs: "How do you teach children to be safe without scaring them?" My answer is always the same, "Fear is not the enemy. Denial is!"

The subject of child safety scares parents more than it does children. Children have a tremendous capacity to learn and draw conclusions from information that they receive. It is wrong to withhold information designed to enhance a child's life because we are afraid of scaring the child. If you do not sensationalize, but speak from a position of compassion and love, fear will not be the end result.

What may easily frighten your children, however, is seeing and hearing fragments of tragic stories about other children unfold in the media. If no one follows up by talking about it, they are left with only the frightening atmosphere of the story. Missing children in the news too often become the only catalyst for opening a dialogue between adult and child on the subject. At times like these, adults may be so horrified by the event that they pass on more fear to their child than they do instruction.

Raising Safety-Minded Children

To raise safety minded children, you must talk to them regularly, not just when there is a breaking news story. You must be willing to take on some pretty unsavory subjects as child predators, drugs, and violence. But, if you deny these realities, they will come back to haunt you in one form or another. When it comes to teaching your child the important lessons in life, there is no one more qualified than you. Don't be afraid to trust your parental instincts.

In my travels I have had the wonderful opportunity of meeting and talking with parents around the country. Two main issues continue to surface.

1. What can we do to help change our communities and the country to make them safer for children?
2. What is the best way to start teaching our children about safety issues?

To these questions I suggest the following.

First, develop a productive apd intimate relationship with an organization dedicated to changing the laws in this country on behalf of child safety: an organization that understands and advocates on behalf of children, and fights to stay on the cutting edge of research, information, and change. The Klaas Foundation for Children is leading the way for child advocates across America. Remember, fear is the enemy. The only way to defeat it is through good solid information.

Second, do the following exercise with your child to get the ball rolling.

An Exercise for Your Children:

Action I.D.

Teaching a child how to recognize a good action, as opposed to a bad one, is far more productive than trying to identify the difference between a good and or a bad person by appearance. Most adults cannot even do this, so what makes us think a child can? An action, however, can be seen and discerned before a person can get close enough to the child to become a danger. There are two steps to the exercise listed below.

Step 1:Find out how your child identifies "strangers." Give your child some paper and crayons and ask him or her to draw a good stranger and a bad one. Many times the child will draw the good stranger as someone that looks friendly and the bad one as someone that looks dirty and frightening. In reality, the predators that pose the greatest danger to children are masters at appearing friendly. This is how they disarm children for the first contact.

Step 2: Now you can gently and clearly show your child that they can't really tell what a person's motives are by how they look; but that they can by how they act. Define good actions and bad ones and begin to point them out to your child on a regular basis - an action a week is a good pace. Where do you find the information you need to define good and bad actions? In your daily life, in information gathered from your child safety organization, and so on. Examples are all around you.

Examples of Good and Bad Actions

For instance, you and your child are standing together at the grocery store. An elderly gentleman walks up, pats your child on the head and says, "My, what a fine looking youngster." After talking to you for a moment, he walks away. Was he a stranger? Yes. Was he a bad stran- ger? No.

It's OK to pay compliments, but what's not OK is if, instead of walking up to you, the man tries to get your child's attention and lure him or her away from you. Was he a stranger? Yes. Was he a bad stranger? Yes! Not because of his appearance, but because of his action.

Another example: Your teenager is waiting for you in the shopping mall parking lot when a man in a leg cast, carrying several heavy packages, approaches her. The man asks your daughter to help him take the packages to his car. Is this an appropriate action? No! The man should seek assistance from a mall merchant, not a young girl waiting for a ride. Parking lots are big and there is no telling what will happen when you reach the vehicle. We are taught to assist those in need, but mass murderer Ted Bundy used this classic assistance lure during his infamous crime spree.

And one more: Little Billy loves to go online and enter Internet chat rooms. He gets into conversation with 12-year-old Mary. Soon Billy and Mary have told each other all about themselves, including where they live and go to school. This behavior is totally inappropriate - I the possibility exists that 12-year-old Mary is really 45-year-old Chester the Molester.

There are many action examples that you can share with your children to teach how to keep themselves safer. Just remember: Keep it simple, be creative, and don't be scared. Get smart!